Happy Mother's Day

Today is my first Mother's Day!  This time last year Polly was our little secret and this year she's the center of attention.  Over the last few months I've dug out old pictures from time to time to see where Polly gets some of her looks and to see my own mom who was about my age when she had me.  I really like this picture of us on my first birthday I believe.  I can see where Polly gets her lack of hair.

Today I think about being Polly's mom and all of the things that stick in my head about my own mom from being a little girl.  I remember loving her hands and I often look down at my own hands holding Polly and see hers.  I wonder what little things Polly will remember about me some day.  

4 Months

We took this picture bright and early on Friday but by the end of the day I was too exhausted to even write a post!  Ben had a show on Friday and I had to set up for Crafty Supermarket while we both were feeling like we were fighting some sort of illness.

Crafty Supermarket was a success and Polly was the best baby ever all day!  After eight successful shows, I still get nervous that no one is coming. I was also nervous about how Polly would do there all day with mommy running an event and a table and daddy djing all day.  She napped perfectly through all of the noise, ate like a champ, and smiled at everyone she could while strapped to me.  She made lots of new friends.

I can't believe (I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record) that it's been 4 months.  There were so many tiny babies at Crafty Supermarket yesterday and she seemed so grown up in comparison.  She is growing so quickly into a little person with her own personality.  We keep trying to figure out who she looks like but more and more we come to the conclusion that she just looks like Polly.  Here are some highlights from the last month as I make things up as I go.

• Somehow every time I'm carrying a bottle of my breast milk from my office into the kitchen to store in the refrigerator, one of three guys that works in our office out of 50+ staff is in the kitchen.  I always feel really awkward about that.  No this is not coffee creamer.   
• When things like the Boston bombing happen, it's harder to comprehend when there is a little baby laying on the floor in front of you smiling and cooing at you as you watch it unfold on television.  It seems impossible that there is that much hate in the world and that there isn't much I can do to control it or protect my daughter from it.  I've just resolved to love her SO much every day that I have her which I hope is the rest of my life.  
• Little baby coughs and stuffy noses are the saddest thing ever.  At night when she is trying to suck her thumb and breathe out of her nose at the same time she sounds like a little pig and it makes me laugh and feel sad at the same time.  
• As much as I miss my friends a ton, now that I'm back to work I'm not willing to leave her for one more minute to go out for dinner.  I hope I still have friends in a year when I'm ready. 
• Lately I keep thinking people are have been really friendly and nice to me only to realize it's because I generally have a baby strapped to my chest smiling at them.  
• Now that I'm a mom, I feel a motherly protection over all kids that I see.  It's a strange instinctive feeling that was definitely not this strong before.  I think it has something to do with two things.  1) I've realized how helpless babies really are and that breaks my heart.  2) I've also realized that, NO people are not dealt the same hand in life.  There are kids in my neighborhood not much older than Polly and I hear how their parents talk to them and it's not great and that will impact those kids for the rest of their lives.  I wish I could scoop them up or do something to change that but I can't.  I guess that's why I work for the GS.  There I can make a difference for other little girls.  
• I have resigned to always have some sort of baby bodily fluid on me at all times.  
• I absolutely don't understand how parents parented before Google.  

One Year

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.  I will never forget the double take I did as I took that pregnancy test that I was sure would be negative.  I had missed my period by just a few days but that had happened the month before after stopping my birth control.  It was the night of Bad Veins album release and I was gearing up for a night of adult beverages and celebration but I thought I'd rather be safe and take a test just in case.  So I took one in the middle of putting on makeup and getting dressed.  I had taken tests the month before and they took forever to get results but this one,  those two lines appeared so fast.  I stood there in the bathroom frozen then frantically searched the box for instructions to double check.  I called my sister using FaceTime to get a second opinion.  She laughed at me and we were giddy on the phone together.

After I got off the phone with her I remember standing and looking myself in the mirror trying to remember this moment as I wondered, "Do I look like a mom?"

Then I was off to the show where I had to wait forever for Ben to have a moment alone so I helped blow up balloons feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin.  When I finally had him to myself I couldn't get the words out at first but once I did, I hope the look of shock that I remember on his face never leaves my memory.

Then I spent the rest of the night pretending to drink in a room filled with all of our favorite people.  I was dying to tell but too afraid that is was so early.  That was my first night of realizing how loud and close everyone talks when they've had a few drinks and you've had ZERO.

That night I woke up at 4 a.m. to take another test just to be sure and there the double lines were again. I remember feeling so terrified and excited.  Then I settled into my first day of caffeine withdrawal which was hell and the internet searches about pregnancy began.

Polly has made me realize how quickly time passes without us realizing it because she is a rapidly changing little reminder that time is flying everyday.  The first time saw her I was so amazed by all of the little details of her that had formed in me those 40 weeks.  I'm still amazed.  Now all of a sudden we are nerdy parents and she already looks embarrassed to be with us.  PARENTS!

3 Months

Today has been a bittersweet day marked by Polly turning three months old and my return to work.  Yesterday I was lucky enough to get to work from home which was a nice transition and I have to say I had a much more productive day yesterday then I did today between running to pump every two hours and calling Ben to see if she was okay.  I'm sure it will get easier but tomorrow will be her first day with the sitter.  While I'm sure she will be fine and in good hands, I can't help but feel sad that we have to share her with someone else since time passes so fast these days.

Somehow we are at the three month mark!!!  Again this month I've learned so much...

1. Just when you think your baby only poops once every other day and you're in the clear for another day and a half after a diaper change, she projectile poops at your mom's new house all over the carpet and vacuum.  Then smiles.  
2. There is no limit to how cute your kid is to you.  It took Ben and I several rounds of elimination to pick the above photo out of dozens that we snapped this morning before I headed to work.  I'm curious how other parents manage photos in this age of smartphones and endless picture taking.  
3. I get super irritated when people call her a handsome little man when she's wearing gender neutral clothing.  Now she doesn't leave the house without a bow that screams, "I'm a girl!" 
4. There is also a side of me that has been excited about returning to life as regularly scheduled.  We've been on a baby vacation for the last 12 weeks and now this is our life.  While I'd love to have more time with her, I want my daughter to see her passionate, hardworking mama and papa in action so back to work I go.  Would I turn down 6 months to a year of maternity leave?  Hell no I wouldn't.  
5. Every parent and child is different.  People can give you all of the advice in the world and you can compare war stories with other parents but nothing quite measures up to what you and your baby have going on.  It's so hard not to constantly stress about doing it all right but I figure if you're stressed about that at all, you're probably doing something right.  
6. I feel so sad when I get in my car and look in the rearview mirror into her little mirror and don't see her little face.  It's hard traveling without my new sidekick.  
7. There are 100% less cat photos in our lives unless they are wearing some baby accessory.  Poor, poor cats. 
8. Polly falls asleep in her own crib at night and I move her to the crib in our room because I'm the one not ready for her to go.  

Last Week

Tomorrow marks the first day of my last week of maternity leave. I have to say that when this first started 12 weeks felt like plenty of time but now as I sit here looking at my tiny baby, it doesn't seem quite right to leave her so soon. I know many women who have even shorter maternity leaves and I've been lucky to have the time that I've had but its just not enough. I'm trying to soak in as much as I can so today when she fell asleep on me, I ignored our new rule of laying her down to sleep for naps...for two hours. I enjoyed every second of it (even the seconds that I too fell asleep).

Happy Birthday To Me

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2 Months

Month number two has flown by.  I can't believe she's already growing so fast into this adorable person.  I've learned even more about myself and parenting over the last month and it still amazes me that this is just the beginning.  Here are a few key things:

1. I get excited every morning to get up and have morning Polly time because she is all smiles at an hour that I usually don't want to speak to people.  
2. I get so excited with every new thing she does from cooing to discovering her hands.  It's all really cute until there is a diaper explosion that seeps up the front and before you know it you have a baby with a hand full of her own poop and you realize that you only have two hands.  All you can picture is her putting that poop hand in her mouth.  Two hands are not enough in this situation and babies don't understand when you just keep saying over and over again, "don't put your hand in your mouth, don't put your hand in your mouth" as you try to figure out what to do.  Before all is said and done there are baths and new outfits for everyone.  No poop in the mouth so far but we're only at two months here.  It's bound to happen eventually.  
3. I am obsessed with the idea that anyone could ever harm their kid.  It's a thought that comes to me in the early morning hours when I up feeding her and I think about all of the kids that I've ever read about on the news and I just can't understand it.  I could barely handle her getting two shots today which she took like a champ.  
4. Small babies fart like 400 pound adults and I still wonder when I will stop laughing at it.  
5. I gave into pink far sooner than I had expected but I'm still anti princess and Barbie dammit.  She's just so cute in pink okay!  
6. I replay all of the silly things, to put it mildly, I did between the ages of 15 and 22 and hope in many ways she is her mother's daughter but in so many ways I hope she is not.  
7. While it is unrealistic that my grandmother would still be alive today at 103, I still wish she were here to see little Pauline.  She would have loved her so much.  I was a very lucky little baby to have her and a loving mom there for me from day one.