5 YEARS!

I have a 5 year old. I feel like this one is a big milestone for some reason and it's rocked my brain a bit. She's not a toddler anymore, she's a big kid with her own complex thoughts. She's definitely testing her boundaries and my patience on a daily sometimes hourly basis. This month flew by but I also feel like there is a lot to tell. Both of these girls are definitely keeping me on my toes. Here are the highlights:

• Polly is experimenting with not taking a nap. I miss my two hours of quiet, no kid time but this new solo time with Polly has become pretty precious too. Lately we have curled up on the couch together to watch a program (so I can nap) or do a little drawing or other quiet project that isn't interrupted by a body slam by Callie. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up to a sleeping Polly next to me. It's one of my favorite things right now. She still seems like a little baby to me when she sleeps. 
• Callie likes to eat. When she is hungry, there is no appeasing her until she gets some food! She can say "more" and "cup". I also think she has is working on "out" meaning she wants down from her seat. She doesn't have as much language skills as Polly did at this age but we always knows what she wants. She's very expressive with her hand motions, gestures and yelling. We have a yeller. 
• I'm amazed daily by the differences in these two girls. While Callie doesn't have as many words as Polly did at this age, she seems a lot more physical. She just thinks she's a big kid. We find her in the middle of the table or just fearlessly walking off the edge of the couch. She gives me a heart attack EVERY DAY. 
• Bedtime deep thoughts by Polly:
• Polly with feet dangling from the toilet, pants around ankles, "Mommy, what if nothing were real?" SERIOUSLY KID WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM!?! I didn't think weird shit like this until I was in high school. I don't even remember what I said, sometimes she just stumps me. 
• Polly all cozy in her bed takes a deep sigh and says, "Mommy, I don't know what it will like when I grow up." This one knocked the air out of me. I think the scariest part of being a parent is that I don't know either. 
• Callie will not let us carry her anywhere. She has this, "I can do it myself" attitude. She's still a baby but the days are numbered and going too fast. She must walk herself to the car to leave. She must try her best to climb into the car herself but she's terrible at it. If you interrupt her efforts too early she stiffens her entire body so you can't bend it into her carseat. Just this week after pre-bed story time, she demands to march her way into the bathroom to brush her teeth. No carrying. She does still let me sway back and forth with her head resting on my shoulder for a few minutes while I sing her a song right before bed. I'm holding on to these days. I can hardly hold Polly anymore, I'm not sure when that happened. Things are often so busy around here and old routines are replaced by new ones so quickly that one day you realize something precious is gone. Luckily there are new things in their place. 
• One night last week I make it through the Polly bedtime routine and as I close the door I hear...
• "Mommy!"
• Me poking my head back into the room a bit annoyed: "What Polly?"
• Polly: "Today I was sitting on the sit and spin in the muscle room at school and Matthew kissed me!"
• Me: "He did?"
• Polly enthusiastically: "YES!"
• Me at a loss: "Where?"
• Polly annoyed: "AT SCHOOL!"
• Me gesturing around my face: NO! Where? 
• Polly: "On the cheek."
• Me: "Did you like that?"
• Polly: "Yes!"
• Me, being a crazy person: "Well if anyone ever tries to kiss you or touch you and you don't like it you yell NO!" (I regret not saying NO KISSING!)
• Polly, obviously not listening to me says: "And I said to myself, I'm IN LOVE!"
• Me: "Good night Polly." Close door, go downstairs, pours beer. I tell Ben the story, he slaps himself in the forehead and pours himself a beer. We are doomed. 
• Last week Polly and I went to lunch together which was a rare treat. We were in the process of ordering/checking out and Polly is repeating everything we had picked out to the cashier. Polly: "we got broccoli, noodles, juice for me, mac and cheese and a beer." I turn red and correct her that I'm holding a sparkling water, it's just a can she doesn't recognize. The cashier gets a good laugh. 
• The hours can be long with these two girls right now but the days, weeks and months sure are fast. I've mentioned this a million times but it never stops amazing me how easy it can be to wish away these tough phases to easier times. I know I'll miss these days where my kids need so much from me that I sometimes lose sight of myself. I know I will miss them fighting over space on my lap where one is laying completely on my lap and I'm cradling the other in my arms. They are both wiggling and feel like they have 10 elbows each and making it impossible to be comfortable. All they want is me to themselves until they get it when one runs off and then they both run off. I will miss Polly saying a million times a day, "will you play with me?" when I'm just trying to change a diaper or do something around the house. I try to be present but it takes a lot of work. I know I will miss these long days. 
• We are a lucky family. Sometimes I think about how hard this parenting phase is and then I think about all of the advantages I have. I have childcare that is expensive but I can afford it so I can have a career. I have a real partner who isn't just a helper, he's there, in this with me as an equal. I have a mother-in-law who is an hour away but will come and help when we need it. I have a flexible job that will let me work from home two days a week that just makes this parenting thing easier so I don't lose a hour of my life to commute during those two days. I also have a flexible schedule that allows for doctor appointments and sick kids. We have food, stable housing, awesome neighbors and friends who have our backs when we need it. We are lucky. When I feel overwhelmed I know there are women out there struggling with what I struggle with but they also don't have all of the things I listed above. I've just been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I'm not sure these thoughts are going but they are there. 
• If I go crazy this coming month, it's because our entire family can't stop singing the Dominic the Donkey Christmas song.