4 Months

We took this picture bright and early on Friday but by the end of the day I was too exhausted to even write a post!  Ben had a show on Friday and I had to set up for Crafty Supermarket while we both were feeling like we were fighting some sort of illness.

Crafty Supermarket was a success and Polly was the best baby ever all day!  After eight successful shows, I still get nervous that no one is coming. I was also nervous about how Polly would do there all day with mommy running an event and a table and daddy djing all day.  She napped perfectly through all of the noise, ate like a champ, and smiled at everyone she could while strapped to me.  She made lots of new friends.

I can't believe (I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record) that it's been 4 months.  There were so many tiny babies at Crafty Supermarket yesterday and she seemed so grown up in comparison.  She is growing so quickly into a little person with her own personality.  We keep trying to figure out who she looks like but more and more we come to the conclusion that she just looks like Polly.  Here are some highlights from the last month as I make things up as I go.

• Somehow every time I'm carrying a bottle of my breast milk from my office into the kitchen to store in the refrigerator, one of three guys that works in our office out of 50+ staff is in the kitchen.  I always feel really awkward about that.  No this is not coffee creamer.   
• When things like the Boston bombing happen, it's harder to comprehend when there is a little baby laying on the floor in front of you smiling and cooing at you as you watch it unfold on television.  It seems impossible that there is that much hate in the world and that there isn't much I can do to control it or protect my daughter from it.  I've just resolved to love her SO much every day that I have her which I hope is the rest of my life.  
• Little baby coughs and stuffy noses are the saddest thing ever.  At night when she is trying to suck her thumb and breathe out of her nose at the same time she sounds like a little pig and it makes me laugh and feel sad at the same time.  
• As much as I miss my friends a ton, now that I'm back to work I'm not willing to leave her for one more minute to go out for dinner.  I hope I still have friends in a year when I'm ready. 
• Lately I keep thinking people are have been really friendly and nice to me only to realize it's because I generally have a baby strapped to my chest smiling at them.  
• Now that I'm a mom, I feel a motherly protection over all kids that I see.  It's a strange instinctive feeling that was definitely not this strong before.  I think it has something to do with two things.  1) I've realized how helpless babies really are and that breaks my heart.  2) I've also realized that, NO people are not dealt the same hand in life.  There are kids in my neighborhood not much older than Polly and I hear how their parents talk to them and it's not great and that will impact those kids for the rest of their lives.  I wish I could scoop them up or do something to change that but I can't.  I guess that's why I work for the GS.  There I can make a difference for other little girls.  
• I have resigned to always have some sort of baby bodily fluid on me at all times.  
• I absolutely don't understand how parents parented before Google.  

One Year

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.  I will never forget the double take I did as I took that pregnancy test that I was sure would be negative.  I had missed my period by just a few days but that had happened the month before after stopping my birth control.  It was the night of Bad Veins album release and I was gearing up for a night of adult beverages and celebration but I thought I'd rather be safe and take a test just in case.  So I took one in the middle of putting on makeup and getting dressed.  I had taken tests the month before and they took forever to get results but this one,  those two lines appeared so fast.  I stood there in the bathroom frozen then frantically searched the box for instructions to double check.  I called my sister using FaceTime to get a second opinion.  She laughed at me and we were giddy on the phone together.

After I got off the phone with her I remember standing and looking myself in the mirror trying to remember this moment as I wondered, "Do I look like a mom?"

Then I was off to the show where I had to wait forever for Ben to have a moment alone so I helped blow up balloons feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin.  When I finally had him to myself I couldn't get the words out at first but once I did, I hope the look of shock that I remember on his face never leaves my memory.

Then I spent the rest of the night pretending to drink in a room filled with all of our favorite people.  I was dying to tell but too afraid that is was so early.  That was my first night of realizing how loud and close everyone talks when they've had a few drinks and you've had ZERO.

That night I woke up at 4 a.m. to take another test just to be sure and there the double lines were again. I remember feeling so terrified and excited.  Then I settled into my first day of caffeine withdrawal which was hell and the internet searches about pregnancy began.

Polly has made me realize how quickly time passes without us realizing it because she is a rapidly changing little reminder that time is flying everyday.  The first time saw her I was so amazed by all of the little details of her that had formed in me those 40 weeks.  I'm still amazed.  Now all of a sudden we are nerdy parents and she already looks embarrassed to be with us.  PARENTS!